Handfasting In Progress

Just came back from celebrating the summer solstice, had a wonderful time! I didn't go to ritual though, I was just lazy and curled up by the campfire almost the whole weekend. When I wasn't by the fire I was in the cold creek or in the lake. I'm soooo sunburned! :-D It's what I needed though. To wake before dawn and watch the sun rise, to watch stars and clouds, to listen to the owls and birds and the Crone's wisdom.

After celebrating an amazing solstice, I've been inspired into action on many things! One of these just happens to be the handfasting me and Affie had been planning ever since we were married in christian tradition. While our wedding was beautiful, we both want to echange vows according to our tradition. I'm so psyched!!! I found my (tentative) handfasting outfit and am looking up recipes for mead. (>.<) I even manged to start on a rough draft of my part of the vows. It is probably going to be Samhain next year, as this is mine and Affie's favorite holiday.

I'm also wanting to start exercising again. I really miss it. Yoga and bellydancing are amazingly fun and if you haven't tried them you need too!

Maybe....just maybe it helped me gain enough self esteem to go turn in those job applications too. :-)

So confused!

WARNING: This is me venting because I don't want to vent at people and make them sad!

Dear ______,
Why is it that every time we hang out together it's all cool, until another person enters the room? Then you feel like you have to make negative comments at me acting like you're joking. But you're not. It wasn't funny even the first time you did it. You pretend like you are one of the boys, but you don't have any of their honesty. If you have a problem with me why don't you just say so? Why is it so hard for you? This is really hurtful and I'm tired of it.

Also, every time I mention something I enjoy you automatically have to act like you've been there done that. If you like it too, why don't you just say it? It won't kill you. It feels like you try so hard to act like the intellectual superior of anyone close to you that you forget to act like a friend. This is only my veiwpoint. I know I wasn't easy to be around. I have a lot of scars, a lot of shadows. I'm getting better though, and each day is an amazing victory. I would love to be able to share it with you. If you don't want to, if you find me to difficult to be around, just say it! I won't respect you any less. If anything, I'll respect you more for your honesty to me and to your self.

See ya around chica!

Beautiful Life

There's been a lot on my mind this morning. That's saying a lot considering I got out of bed at 1pm with Chibi batting at my hand. First of all, it's an amazingly gorgeous day outside, I refuse to be sad! Ok, not too sad. I have the habit of stress I think that's hard to shake. We have friends coming over, and the long awaited Scottish Baps and Bannana Scones are going to be made. Why grieve for what I can't change?

Did you realise that parents can kill their children? I hope I'm stronger than that, but it's been a close thing in the past. Not with guns, or knives, or poisens; but with words, and coldness, and lack of concern. Yesterday I heard the saddest story.


The Lady

Several years ago there was a beautiful and creative woman who had amazing talent and a glowing soul. But her father was unhappy with her and wanted her to marry before he died. You see, he had never accepted the fact that she was homosexual and continued to pressure her even into her early forties. Seeing her father was getting old, the glowing soul gave into his request out of love for him and married a man of his picking, hoping to win her father's respect and approval. She left her lover of years, her friends, her heart.

Even though the couple were finacially solvent and lived in a vertible mansion, her soul became dark. Friends saw this and tried to save her. You see, money and the 'correct' spouse had become a cage, a prison too what had been a free and happy spirit. The days counted down, each darker than the one before.

The day came of her freeing. She left a note. And took a shot of vodka or twelve. Reached for the pills, and the skies opened up.

I don't know what happened to her father or her spouse. Nor do I care. Her lover of years set herself free as well in the same manner not to long after. I got this story from one of her closest friends who saw what was coming, but couldn't save her or her lover.

You can't tell me these stories aren't real. They are. They happen all the time. Tragedies written by those that love. By parents who 'know best'.

I'm sorry for being so morose of late, but I have a similer situation at hand. No, I'm not going to go free. I'm free and happy enough in this time to stay. Why is it so hard to love your child when their views are different from yours? That begs the question, 'Why do people have kids?' Are we all just social experments for our parents to play with? Did my parents have me with the idea of creating a Christian army? Is that all they had planned for us? If so (and it really is looking like that might be it), how foolish.

7-Day Forecast for Latitude 37.08°N and Longitude 88.62°W

Love?

When I was born did you say,
"I will only love you in this way,
you must be like Me, share My faith,
My views, My hopes and dreams.
I put you in this world,
I'll take you out.
I'll take you out."

Did you never think that I'm my own soul
Listening to a heart that was always mine
My views are different because
I'm not a clone, I'm my own soul.
I'm my own soul.

When I grew older did you
Not ever see the view for me
Had changed but not just a few
Hearts had broken
But you never saw the change in me.

Parent or child? Teacher or student?
Sometimes these roles go farther
Than what would be prudent.
Do you hate me mother and father?
Then why do you act like what I feel
Is no more real
Than make believe land?

Psychadelic Mind: Take 1

First I'm caught and yet free because you were with me and together there was three but that can't be because you had left but were still here I heard your voice by the Hearth and the fire took my hand and left me standing there in the present that was past but the tears were falling fast my hands shook Voice trembling I asked you to be still and then...a bird sang in my soul...the stars slammed into mine...and darkness claimed hope...only she was stronger yet. Shattered bones and broken soul we can still hold stronge don't give up they won't come again they left centuries ago because that was after present but before past and fire and earth complete the hole that was left by you can never replace so come back to me don't leave me hear the shadows calling so sweetly I left before and Someone had to fetch me like lightning and star song mixed with mirth and grief and life was still there but it was gone gone gone and did it come back just like you but like eyes watching I saw the dance and it was fierce in it's beauty and cold in it's grace and then descending to the heights of winds from 12 corners of the earth the smell of happiness and laughter wine and rum mixed alltogether in the ruby so numb because the arguing stopped but still I hear it caught on loop in my head.


Welcome to my Mind.